Evanescent
by aznstarangel
Summary: UPDATE! A two-part songfic with songs by Evanescence. 'No matter what, I will always be with you... and you still have all of me...' YAOI Hiei x Kurama
1. My Last Breath

Evanescent  
  
By: Aznstarangel  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, nor do I own the song "My Last Breath." They both belong to their respective creators and writers.  
  
Chapter 1: "My Last Breath"  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Hold on to me love  
  
You know I can't stay long  
  
All I wanted to say was  
  
I love you and I'm not afraid  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
"HIEI!!! HIEI!!! Oh god..."  
  
I felt the presence of a few people running to my side. My vision had become blurry, but I could make out a faint red mass of hair hovering over me.  
  
"Kurama...?" I cringed at the faintness of my own voice.  
  
This was not supposed to happen. That youkai was not supposed to find any weakness in me, and yet he knew to go after Kurama. The red-haired fox was not his target. No. Even though he fired at Kurama, the youkai was after me. He knew of my weaknesses... my faults. He knew... that I would not let Kurama die. That I would be killed myself first...  
  
"Kurama...." The red mass moved closer to me, and my head was moved to a higher elevation as I registered that Kurama had lifted me up to his lap. His arms wrapped around me in a warm embrace, and he brought his head down to my cheek, nuzzling me and whispering for me to hold on. He then lifted his head up and yelled to Yusuke and Kuwabara to get Yukina here as fast as they could.  
  
"Kurama... I'm n-not afraid an-anymore..." My breathing was hitched.  
  
I saw emerald spots blink in confusion; my mind pictured the confused expression that was on the pale face at this moment. But it was true. I wasn't afraid anymore. I wasn't afraid of my weakness, of my love... It seemed ironic, how I was afraid in life, but not on the verge of death. I had done everything I set out to do, and now I would leave with a sense of accomplishment. I promised myself I would not die without finishing everything I set out to do...  
  
And I still had one last unaccomplished thing...  
  
"I-I l-love you... Ku-Kurama..."  
  
I knew the beautiful leaf green orbs widened as I confessed my pent up feelings that had been inside of me when I first met him. Now I that I knew what those feelings were, I wasn't afraid of them anymore. I'd never be afraid... of anything... anymore.  
  
I took Kurama's hand in mine and I felt his grip tighten, as if trying to keep me from the inevitable. I felt his eyes on me, trying to search for a way to heal my wound. It was useless. The youkai had fired a direct hit at Kurama. My only chance to save him was to block the full attack, thus breaking most of my ribs and causing a deep wound in my stomach. The cracked ribs caused a bit of internal bleeding, as the fractured bones pierced through some of my arteries. My lungs felt as if they were on fire, each breath I took in caused me to flinch at the pain. It wouldn't be too long until...  
  
They wouldn't get Yukina here in time...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Can you hear me?  
  
Can you feel me in your arms?  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Kurama eventually gave up on trying to find a solution and he wrapped his arms around me again, careful to avoid my injuries. I heard him whisper tiny prayers to Inari, wishing... hoping that Yukina would get here soon.  
  
Once the prayers stopped, I believed it was then that Kurama registered what I told him and once his mind processed it, he needed to think. He needed to think of an answer... acceptance, or declination.  
  
I was surrounded by silence. There was no response to my confession, neither a recompense of feelings, or a rejection. The kitsune just sat there... holding me...  
  
At first I was afraid he didn't here me, but it wasn't possible. He must have heard me. My voice worked well enough for him to hear me in the small gap between us. He was probably thinking of how to react. Youko's weren't one's to accept love. A night of sexual intercourse, maybe - depending on who offered - but love? I knew from Kurama's past, that he never really committed himself to a person, regardless of the many offers that were placed in front of him. Despite this fact, I told him my feelings, another offer of love from yet another youkai for the infamous Youko Kurama. Now that he merged with the human, Shuuichi Minamino, his curt way of throwing away a confession of love must have changed one way or another.  
  
My thoughts were pushed back when I felt his forelocks brush my face and he whispered into my ear:  
  
"I love you too..."  
  
My eyes widened. Despite the fact that my vision was slowly fading at the loss of blood, I squinted my eyes, trying to get a clearer focus on his face. Was he being sincere? I wish I could see him better; his eyes always told me everything I needed to know. Green orbs stared back at my narrowed red ones, trying to tell me that his words were true. My arm lifted up, trying to touch his well-formed face, but stopped midway as pain shot up though it, causing it to fall back down to my side. I wish I could hold him, like he was holding me. Could he feel my longing? Could he feel my pain? Could he feel me...  
  
...at all...?  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Holding my last breath  
  
Safe inside myself  
  
Are all my thoughts of you?  
  
Sweet raptured light  
  
It ends here tonight  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
I inhaled again, trying to last on one breath as long as I could before taking another. Each one was precious to me as I lay in my fox's arms.  
  
Yes, he was now my fox. In these last moments, I was glad I told him, I was glad I was with him.  
  
He was always on my mind and he never faded away from it, not even now. Kurama... do you know how much I think of you? Do you know how much I'd do for you?  
  
Apparently, I had just proven the ultimate sacrifice I would make for him...  
  
I chuckled inwardly at my foolishness. I was dying... and if I had told him sooner, I'd have more that a few minutes to be with him.  
  
But these few minutes would mean more to me than... anything...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
I'll miss the winter  
  
A world of fragile things  
  
Look for me in the white forest  
  
Hiding in a hollow tree (you will find me)  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
~*Flashback*~  
  
"Hiei! Come on Hiei! It's fun!!"  
  
Kurama's red hair fanned out behind him as he ran out into the newly fallen snow. Winter was definitely not one of my favorite seasons. It was cold - not that I felt it - and wet. It reminded me too much of frozen water... ice... and my childhood. The day I was thrown off the floating island for being an omen to the koorime was like this day, newly fallen snow carpeting the ground, and cold... freezing...  
  
A wet force on my back snapped my out of my reverie. I turned to see a giggling kitsune gather another bunch of snow in his hands. He threw it straight at me, and I, not expecting the ball of white to come flying at me at lightning speed, got hit in the face... quite hard at that...  
  
"KURAMA!!!!"  
  
~*End Flashback*~  
  
I looked up to see the one that had once caused me such trouble, now on the verge of tears. One small drop escaped the edge of his eyelid, sliding down his cheek, making a trail of water down the side of his face. I reached up again, this time ignoring the sharp feeling that shot up my arm, and brushed the tear away. He looked so fragile... his delicate figure and pale skin... one of the most beautiful creatures in the world.  
  
"Y-you will f-find me someday... L-look for m-me... up in the t-trees... I'll al-always be with y-you."  
  
More tears slid down his face. I had not the strength to brush them away this time...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
I know you hear me  
  
I can taste it in your tears  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
"Hiei... don't say things like that... Don't..." Kurama pleaded.  
  
His tears trailed down his face and fell onto my lips. I wanted to comfort him so much, but I felt too drained of youki and blood to do anything. A searing pain shot throughout my body again as I inhaled. I cried out this time, not able to suppress the sound from coming out of my mouth.  
  
Kurama gasped as I yelled and caressed my cheek, trying to soothe me, telling me to hold on and that Yusuke and Kuwabara would get Yukina here soon. I knew it wasn't going to happen. When they got here, it would be too late.  
  
More tears fell from Kurama's face. I licked my lips, tasting the salty flavor of his tears. I knew that he was crying because he knew I was right. Yusuke and Kuwabara would not get Yukina here on time.  
  
I would hold on as long as I could, for him... for Kurama. These precious moments with him would be worth all my pain and suffering, as long as I was in his arms when I left for the Reikai.  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Holding my last breath  
  
Safe inside myself  
  
Are all my thoughts of you?  
  
Sweet raptured light  
  
It ends here tonight  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
I took in another ragged breath, trying not to scream in pain. My own resistance had grown thin, but the hurt look in Kurama eyes when he heard me scream... it made my will to survive increase more.  
  
I held in the breath longer, trying not to breathe unless I had to. My mind was swimming with old memories that I forced upon myself. Memories of Kurama... of when he would tease me, when he would laugh at me for not knowing his ningen customs, or when he took care of me when I used the Kokuryuuha. I was always thinking of him, his kindness, his beauty, and now... his love...  
  
I blinked once and just that small movement sent needles of pain throughout my body. Apparently the damned youkai had affected all of my nerve cells, causing just the slightest movement of one to trigger pain through the others. It was too much. My resolve was weakening, and I no longer had the strength, nor the ability to support myself.  
  
I was counting on my long breaths now, each inhalation bringing me closer to the invisible light that drew me to the spirit world. The longer I held the air inside my body, the longer I could be with Kurama, and the longer I could stay in his arms. I would stay with him as long as I possibly could.  
  
Another breath.... The light drew me closer...  
  
No matter how long I tried to delay it, the inevitable was coming... I felt it coming...  
  
...as did Kurama...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Closing your eyes to disappear  
  
You pray your dreams will leave you here  
  
But still you wake and know the truth  
  
No one's there  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
"No... Hiei no..." Kurama's voice held fear and sadness all at once.  
  
He shut his eyes, trying to block out the present... and the future... More tears slid down his face from the pressure of his eyelids as he started to mummer to himself. I watched as he whispered, trying to tell his sub-consciousness that this was all a dream.  
  
"That's right, this is a dream. I'm dreaming," he told himself, eyes still closed. "Please Inari, let this be a dream..."  
  
My hand rose up again, and I cursed internally as another jolting pain ran up my arm.  
  
"K-Kurama..." His eyes opened at the sound of my voice. His expression seemed to fall as he realized that this wasn't a dream. "K-Kurama... yo- you know t-this isn't a dr-dream. You k-know what's going to ha-happen."  
  
He held me tighter, but not enough to cause me pain. "That won't happen. I won't let it..." His voice rose at the second sentence. I felt anger radiating from him. Who was he angry at? Was it me? Did I do something to make him unhappy? No... it couldn't be... The anger wasn't directed at me. It seemed to just be pent up inside him, trying to be released.  
  
"Kur-Kurama... don't do th-this..." The kitsune's eyes widened as I took in another breath, waiting a few moments before I spoke again. "Kurama... never b-be afraid to s-say goodbye. It wo-won't be fo-forever... I'll al- always watch over y-you..."  
  
Kurama started to shed tears again, but his time, he seemed a little more composed.  
  
"A-always," I said again.  
  
He nodded.  
  
"Always."  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Say goodnight, don't be afraid  
  
Calling me, holding me, as you fade to black  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
I could feel it... the invisible light pulling on my spirit even harder than before. It was time...  
  
"K-Kurama... don't be a-afraid..."  
  
He nodded and knew that I would be going soon. I could no longer feel the pain as I wiped his last tear away. He took hole of my hand and lifted my head up carefully.  
  
"I'm not afraid... and I'll always love you..." he whispered into my ear.  
  
He then brought his lips to mine and they met in a soft kiss. I leaned into it, wanting more... knowing it would be my first... and my last...  
  
Kurama seemed to hear my thoughts and held me closer, deepening the kiss. I felt dizzy and lightheaded, but that was expected. I wouldn't give this up for anything... not even life itself. We broke apart and I saw his face, a pale color flushed with pink. His lips were full and moist from the kiss and his eyes seemed to glow.  
  
That was the last thing I saw... my beautiful fox... before everything faded and all I saw...  
  
...was darkness...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
(Say goodnight) Holding my last breath  
  
(Don't be afraid) Safe inside myself  
  
(Holding me) Are all my thoughts of you?  
  
Sweet raptured light  
  
It ends here tonight  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
"Hiei..." Kurama whispered, but he knew... he felt it in the kiss.  
  
"Hiei..."  
  
Even if he did know... I didn't think he prepared himself enough for this. My vision was still clouded, even in spirit form, though after I blinked once I knew why...  
  
Moist tears fell from my transparent body, dropping down to the ground in an unseen form, only to fall even farther than the grass and dirt itself.  
  
I would never forget him... and I would always think of him.  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Holding my last breath  
  
Safe inside myself  
  
Are all my thoughts of you?  
  
Sweet raptured light  
  
It ends here tonight  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
My last breath was taken from me, given to the one I loved... as a part of me that would always stay with him.  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Holding my last breath...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Always...  
  
To Be Continued... 


	2. My Immortal

Evanescent  
  
By: Aznstarangel  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, nor do I own the song "My Immortal." They both belong to their respective creators and writers.  
  
Chapter 2: "My Immortal"  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
I'm so tired of being here  
  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
  
And if you have to leave  
  
I wish that you would just leave  
  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
  
And it won't leave me alone  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Two months...  
  
It had been two months since that day... the day that I had my feelings of love returned to me, and then taken away from me all at once. I had lived through it... and even though I said I wouldn't be afraid of saying goodbye to you... I was.  
  
And that was when it started. I felt you around me all the time, watching me, observing my everyday actions, and then being near me when I was alone. At first it was comforting... that you were still with me, even in death, but then it started to become a little unnerving.  
  
My instinct told me that the spirit was you, and yet... something inside of me made me go to Koenma to make sure. An unknown force, driving me to get my facts straight before I became paranoid and onto the verge of me feeling unsafe wherever I went.  
  
Koenma confirmed it last month, that you had asked to stay as a spirit in the Ningenkai, and he had offered you a quarter of a year, three months, at maximum to remain in this world until your spirit was to be passed on to the Reikai. I was comforted for a while, but a small pain inside of me still lingered in my mind, causing me to be torn between happiness and misery.  
  
After two weeks, I knew what that pain was. It had been bothering me ever since I felt the presence of your spirit being with me.  
  
It was the pain of remorse, regret... and guilt...  
  
After thinking back for a few weeks, I had replayed the last day I had with you. The usual calling from Koenma for the new mission, the ranting Yusuke and Kuwabara went through saying how they did not want to waste their time on another mission, the grunt of dissatisfaction from them knowing they had to go anyway... and then... the actual mission... in which you had been killed...  
  
...trying to save... me...  
  
That was when your presence became more disturbing than comforting. The fact that the spirit of the one I loved, who died trying to save me, was following me everywhere I went made my pain grow even more. I decided to ignore the feeling, telling myself that I was being irrational, and thus, I moved forward with my everyday life, pasting on the fake smile that got me through the day.  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
This pain is just too real  
  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
After a while a couldn't stand it. This never ceasing feeling coursing through my body, reminding me that had it not been for my not paying attention to the attacking youkai, you would still be here... alive, and with me. I suppose you noticed my change in physical appearance, for I ate little and had not the will to sleep, and that was what drew you to back away for a little while, going to check on other people, mainly Yukina, until I recovered from my mental trauma.  
  
By the time you returned, nothing had changed. I felt no different, no variation in my habits from before your spirit left me, to when it reappeared. But now, after taking time away from you to think I through, I understood.  
  
Your dead spirit, being here reminded me everyday of my mistake, of a flaw that I did not want to have. The pain I felt was for you, for your soul to move on and to let me live my life, without the memory of my errors impelled on my every movement, and my every breath.  
  
Though my physical wounds had healed from the time away from your spirit, the wounds that were emblazoned in my mind were to stay there. I just could not recover... not this time...  
  
Someone once said, "Time heals all wounds." If only that were true...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have... all of me  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
You had left for another period of time checking on the others, for I could not feel your presence around me anymore. I suppose it was for the better... considering what was happening while you were away.  
  
Apparently now, my mask was becoming see-through, as people started not to believe that I was my usual "happy" self. My "fan club" had noticed it as well, and half the girls bothered me half to death, trying to see how they could "help me." They asked me questions, overwhelmed me with unnecessary gifts, and tried to figure out what was wrong so that they could so-call "fix it." I walked faster, trying to get away from them, but a few of them wouldn't let up, continuing to ask questions about what happened to me.  
  
"Are you ok Shuichi?"  
  
"Did someone hurt you?"  
  
"Did you lose a loved one?"  
  
I froze at that statement. What did it matter to them? They had no idea who I lost, what I went through... how it was my fault that I lost him. My lack of movement had obviously hinted to the girls that I had lost someone that I loved, and they swarmed around me, trying to "comfort" me.  
  
"It's ok Shuichi. I bet she lived a nice life"  
  
"You can come over and we can talk about it..."  
  
"How did she die?"  
  
"You'll always have a memory of her."  
  
Why did they automatically assume it was a girl? Would they expect less of a reaction from me if it were a guy? More "comforting words" were thrown my way as I continued to walk home. When I got to the corner of the street that was about three blocks from my house, I lost it.  
  
"*HE* DIED BECAUSE OF ME! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"  
  
It was clear to say that the girls were shocked and I took that moment to get a head start back to my house. When I got to my block, I slowed down, looking towards the tree to the left of my bedroom window, where you slept at times when you came to visit me. On a dazed impulse, I unlocked the door with my key and let myself in.  
  
It was like a routine to me now, as I padded up the stairs into my room. Sometimes I would find you there, other times I would not. Now... I knew that I wouldn't see you... at least not physically.  
  
My eyes drifted over to the bed where you had ended up in a few times because of your usual reckless behavior, getting yourself brutally injured and then I would have to find you and nurse you back to health. I remembered the last time you lay in my bed, because of an abnormally large stab wound from a fairly strong youkai that you had fought a while back.  
  
~*Flashback*~  
  
"Hiei! How're you feeling?"  
  
You had just woken up and inwardly I breathed a sigh of relief. The youkai had hit you hard and you took the full force of his sword. How you managed to singe him to death with his own sword was still a blur to me it had all happened so fast. One moment he had you at your knees, bleeding from the stab wound in your stomach, and another you had taken the sword and sent your youki through it and sent it straight back at him. That whole process took about twenty seconds before Yusuke, Kuwabara and I had a chance to stop you. I suppose the defeat of the demon was a good thing, but the unnatural excessive bleeding of your wound had caused you to faint.  
  
I had squeezed a certain substance in your wound out of a seed, which allowed a quicker closure of the wound as well as faster clotting of the blood. It would allow more time for me to take you back to my house to properly address your wound.  
  
I carried you back, mechanically walking straight to my house without taking my eyes off of you. As I laid you on my bed, I couldn't resist the urge to brush back a few locks of your dark black hair from your face and set them back in place with the rest of the silky strands. After tending to your wounds and pulling my blankets over you, I sat next to my bed, watching and waiting for you to awaken.  
  
"Hn..."  
  
And now you were awake, looking at me with crimson orbs, questioning me and wondering why you were here.  
  
In a failed attempt to sit up, you strained your wound and it started to bleed again, the original clot being too feeble to prevent the loss of blood from happening if exposed to pressure. You winced, a sound that I had not heard very often. I knew then that this was rather serious if you revealed a small flicker of pain, even though your masks flew down again to show indifference. Eventually, I convinced you to lie back down while I retrieved new bandages to redress your now open wound.  
  
I got up to get bandages, still watching you from the corner of my eye, making sure that you didn't move anymore than you had to. You closed your eyes and it was then that I saw a small glimmer of light being reflected off the side of your eyelid.  
  
Taking the bandages with me, I walked over to you, careful not to cause any sudden movements that would jar you awake and then strain the wound even more. When I got closer, my mind registered that the small droplet lingering around your eye was a tear, a rare display of emotions unbeknownst to anyone but me. I was the only one that knew... and I'd be the only one that would ever know.  
  
Swiftly, I brushed the tear away with a gentle caress, not wanting to wake you from the pleasures of peaceful sleep. A comforting thought swept into my mind; apparently, you trusted me enough to sleep in my presence, and even more so to cry, even if it was a single tear, in front of me. Perhaps it was an unconscious action, made involuntarily by your body, but still, it reminded me that I would always be there for you whenever you needed me.  
  
~*End Flashback*~  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
You used to captivate me  
  
By your resonating life  
  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
  
Your face it haunts  
  
My once pleasant dreams  
  
Your voice it chased away  
  
All the sanity in me  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
I sat down on my bed, allowing my weariness to sink in. I ran a hand through my hair, trying to calm my senses and after a few minutes, I lay down, surrendering to my exhaustion and falling into a deep sleep.  
  
~*~  
  
//I walked through an unusual forest. It held rare plants and they were lined up flawlessly along the side of a perfectly paved dirt path. As I walked along the established path, the plants seemed to bend toward me, comforting me in a way that no human could ever do... except one...  
  
"Kurama..."  
  
My head shot up at the voice that called out to me. Why did that deep vibration of sound seem so familiar? I had heard it so many times... but it couldn't be... could it?  
  
"Kurama... it's been a while..."  
  
My eyes slanted in an awkward squint, gazing off towards the end of the path and making out a faint shadow of a body. I walked closer, my eyes widening as I made out the shape to be none other than...  
  
"Hiei...." My voice came out as a small whisper, unwilling to believe what I saw in front of me.  
  
I ran forward, my arms clenching around your slim body, not wanting to let go, wanting this to be real...  
  
And then...  
  
Firm arms clutched my shoulders and they delivered a strong push, causing me to fall backwards onto the dirt road.  
  
"Hiei... what-"  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you Kurama?" My eyes widened at your words.  
  
"Did you think that I'd forgive you after what you did? It was all because of you that I died. It was all. your. fault." You spit out the last three words at me with a cold tone in your voice.  
  
I watched as you turned and walked away, my vocal cords failing me, and I was unable to call out in that moment. Your shadow faded more and more and I couldn't watch. I turned my face downward, still trying to call out to your departing form.  
  
I was finally able to force my voice to work and it allowed me to scream out in a choking sound, but by then I could no longer see you...  
  
"HIEI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"//  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
This pain is just too real  
  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
I jolted awake, breathing heavily, my forehead drenched in a cold sweat. It was only a dream. But what had happened in the dream hit me hard... I knew I would never forgive myself... but neither would Hiei. He had died because of my foolishness and there was no way for me to fix it. I could not pull out a plant and bring him back to life. If there were such a thing, Kuronue would not be dead right now... and neither would Hiei.  
  
//'Everything... is my fault...'//  
  
A small breeze swept through my room and my eyes glanced over to the window. I could feel your presence here now. Perhaps you had heard me scream, or maybe you came on instinct. Whatever the reason, you were here, and the air around me became uncomfortable. I cast my eyes downward again and focused on the floor.  
  
I couldn't handle you being here. I just couldn't. I felt weak. None of this would have bothered me to this extent when I was a youko. I was fazed by pain every once in a while, but not to the point of pure insanity. It was too much... Nothing I did would erase what happened. Nothing I tried would prevent me from feeling this way.  
  
Nothing...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have... all of me  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
You only had about two weeks left in the Ningenkai, but every moment that you were with me, I felt the stabbing pain run through me all over again. It lessened when you were away, when I was not able to sense your spirit near me, but when you were right next to me in your unearthly form, the stinging feeling that ran through my blood was too much.  
  
"Hiei..." I spoke into the emptiness of the room, not able to see you and not knowing which way to face when I was talking to you. "Hiei, I know you're here just to be with me and to make me feel more comfortable about your death but..."  
  
I trailed off... Could I say it? Could I tell him that because he was here, I was in pain? Would it hurt him more than it was hurting me?  
  
I shook the thought out of my head. He was leaving in a few weeks anyway, there was nothing wrong with telling him... it's not like I could kill him... again...  
  
"Hiei... I-I... I don't... I don't want you here anymore..."  
  
I felt your spirit reel back in shock and then, to my surprise, your form started to take physical shape. I could see a faint outline of you, standing next to me. So that was where you were... But how...? Your form started to take a more definitive shape, but you were still translucent. I knew you hadn't come back to life, but when I saw your figure... I had hoped...  
  
A small tear fell down my cheek, and I diverted my gaze and quickly wiped it away, not wanting you to see me like this.  
  
"Kurama..." a soft voice called my name and I turned back to where your form was. "Do you really mean that Kurama...?"  
  
Sadly I nodded.  
  
"Yes... gomen Hiei, but I mean it..."  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
  
But though you're still with me  
  
I've been alone all along...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Your eyes widened the slightest bit, showing me that you were surprised, but that you somewhat expected it. You sighed and turned away, looking out the window at the full moon. The fact that you didn't say anything made me think that you wanted more of an explanation.  
  
"Hiei... I never wanted it to be this way, but... every time... every time you're around... I have this feeling inside me that burns and it makes me suffer until you are no longer around." My eyes started to water again as I threw out my feelings at you. "I couldn't take the pain... the emotions, the guilt... I had never felt guilt as a youko. Everything to me was as it should have been. Those who died should have died. But not this time... This time, I should have died, but instead you saved me... and I can't handle the remorseful feeling that if I had done something, you would not have died."  
  
Two crystalline tears fell down my cheek and I was too tired to wipe them away. I started when a ghostly hand tried to brush away my tears and trace the path that they made down my cheek, but in failure.  
  
"How I wish I could still touch you..." you said, your deep voice filled with an unusual sound of sorrow.  
  
"I'm sorry Hiei..." I whispered. "But I can't deal with you being here. It's too painful... please... just leave..." I turned my head away, lying back down on my bed, hoping that you would leave soon. The next time I opened my eyes you were gone and on the side of my pillow lay a small piece of paper. It read:  
  
//Kurama,  
  
I'm sorry I have caused you so much pain and I hope you know that I still love you no matter what. It was not your fault that I died. You know that I would do anything to save you, and giving my life is included in "anything." I hope you will feel closure after my spirit has moved on. I am going to the Reikai and asking Koenma to withdraw the rest of the time that I am to stay here...//  
  
I sighed. He was leaving... for good now... and I would never get him back...  
  
More silent tears slid down my cheeks as I wondered if I should not had made my decision so fast, but the last line of the letter told me that I had done what was best.  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
//No matter what, I will always be with you... and you still have all of me... and my love.//  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
...all of me...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
~-*-~~-*-~~-*-~~-*-~Owari~-*-~~-*-~~-*-~~-*-~  
  
Please Review 


	3. To Continue or Not to Continue?

A/N: Starangel: Hello Everyone! It's me again!!  
  
Hiei: Everybody run!  
  
Starangel: ::pout:: Oh Hiei you be quiet.  
  
Hiei: Hn...  
  
Starangel: Anyway, I have gotten a few requests to continue this cliché, crazy, incomprehensible, I-have-no-idea-where-this-came-from, fic. ^^;; So I would like to know what the readers think. Seeing as school will be starting soon, I probably will not be able to get it out very quickly, but I will write it if it seems necessary, or if you guys just want more to this story. I have a song for it, and I could make out a plot so all I need is an "okay" from my readers. If you think this story is okay as is, please tell me that too.  
  
Hiei: I think it would have been okay if you didn't write it at all.  
  
Starangel: ::glares:: I thought I killed you off... aren't you supposed to be dead?  
  
Hiei: Not in your Author's notes.  
  
Starangel: -.-;;  
  
Hiei: ::smirks:: Hn...  
  
Starangel: Anyway... so if you guys want a continuation, it's fine by me. All up to you!  
  
Luvvies! 3 


	4. Away From Me

Evanescent  
  
By Aznstarangel  
  
A/N: Hello everyone!! Seeing as that you're here, I expect that you want to read this chapter. Well... if you're here just because you saw my name and you love me so much that you wanted to check it out (yeah right...), this is more of an extra chapter. You don't need to read this at all. The fic with the two parts can stand alone by itself, but the main reason I wrote this is because of the person mentioned in the lines below.  
  
Thanks and Dedications: Special thanks to all my reviewers; I love you all (No time for review responses, SORRY)!!!!! And extra special thanks to Lindsay-san (Kyrene), for inspiring this chapter, which I had no intention of writing until she asked. This one's for you Linds!!  
  
Oh yea! If anyone wants the song "Away From Me," you can just e-mail me. I know it's not on the "Fallen" CD, so if you want it just send me an e- mail with the subject of "song request" at Animefan720@aol.com and I'll send it to you as soon as I'm able to.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, nor do I own the song "Away From Me." They both belong to their respective creators and writers.  
  
Text Guide:  
  
"blah" = speech  
  
'blah' = thoughts  
  
*blah* = bold  
  
//blah// or \\blah\\ = italics (you'll get it when you read the story)  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Chapter 3: Away From Me  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll  
  
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds  
  
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to  
  
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved  
  
And I  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
"ANOTHER ASSIGNMENT?!"  
  
Yusuke, Kuwabara and I were standing once again in Koenma's palace in the Reikai, another assignment seen in our near future. We had tried to avoid assignments after loosing Hiei, and Koenma had made sure that we were not called on unless it was absolutely necessary. I suppose they all noticed that after Hiei died, I hadn't been the same, which was probably why we avoided the missions as much as possible. But recently, we had been called in a lot; a series of attacks had been made by different youkai groups and each time, the new Reikai Tantei had not been able to come back successful.  
  
"I'm sorry Yusuke, but the fact is that no one else has been able to stop this one particular group of demons that is rather powerful and is now taking over most of the parts of the Makai. At the rate that they're increasing, I would say that the group would have taken control of the whole Makai in about..." Koenma thought for a while. "... three days."  
  
"THREE DAYS?!"  
  
Yusuke's outbursts were not unusual, and neither was his argumentative spirit, allowing me to zone out and think for a few minutes before they would ask me what I thought was best.  
  
"Yusuke, I know that you did not want to have many missions - "  
  
"To hell with *many* missions, I didn't want to have *ANY* missions."  
  
Perhaps I had a few hours instead...  
  
It was for the better I suppose. It meant that I had more time to think, as long as I looked like I was half interested. My mind wandered to the other thoughts in my head that lingered there, certain matters still waiting for me to address them.  
  
Despite the many countless times that I tried to forget, I just couldn't. Even after Hiei's spirit left, I felt devoid of any sort of happy emotion, and filled with the unmistakable pain of guilt.  
  
//Still?//  
  
Yes, still... It would never release me from its cold grasp until my spirit died, being pulled down with the already fallen part of my heart.  
  
I had been able to rebuild my mask, the fake smile and false happiness that I put on every morning stronger than ever. I could act totally normal around anyone and everyone I knew. But inside... I was dying.  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
I've woken now to find myself  
  
In the shadows of all I have created  
  
I'm longing to be lost in you  
  
(away from this place I have made)  
  
Won't you take me away from me  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Waking up one day, I looked in the mirror and froze at the image I saw. A blank face stared back at me, the shadows around my still dark room creating a sinister look to my usually "innocent" (or so everyone thought) face. My eyes a dull green instead of the vibrant emerald color they were before; my hair tangled and unkempt from a night of restless tossing and turning.  
  
I hated this... I hated this life, the way I was living, and the stupid way I had to hide inside myself in order to get away from it all. I couldn't go to anyone for help. No one would understand. This was my own journey in my own world that I created with my fake smiles and deceptive cheerfulness.  
  
I guess it's my fault for being such a good liar.  
  
//'Hiei...'//  
  
//'I had no idea that when you left, you'd take a part of me with you.'//  
  
//My sanity.//  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins  
  
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed  
  
I can't go on like this  
  
I loathe all I've become  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Trudging down the steps to my school I walked slowly, no longer avoiding my personal fan club as I would have before.  
  
My mask stayed up, bearing all the swoons and stares of the brainless high school girls, but my mind was elsewhere. Drawn into the shadows of my own world, my mind wandered, contemplating the nature of things and the way things happened. Philosophical aren't I? Then again there was nothing philosophical about the way I dwelled on the past for so long, and that now, the past has come back and trapped me in a world in which there is no way to win.  
  
Hiei died... I moved on...  
  
//Didn't I?//  
  
No... I didn't.  
  
Damn it. DAMN IT ALL! What the hell did I do to keep myself in this realm of darkness?!  
  
//This is no realm... this is my heart... this is the way I feel about myself and about love.//  
  
It's all dark. Love brings nothing but sadness and I knew that. I knew that, and I let my stupid human feelings take over. I would never have let this happen if I were still a Youko... none of this would have happened.  
  
I drew my mind out of the dark realm for a fractional second and found that my body had made its way down two blocks with the fan girls still following me, each one with the dopey expression of false love in their eyes. If they knew what I really was, would they still want me to love them?  
  
I highly doubt it.  
  
And yet I put up with it all, no longer trying to escape their calls and persistent nagging. I didn't even really care anymore, about anything. I kept my grades consistently high, just to keep appearances up, but none of the human knowledge actually breached my mind, nothing was contained in my head, and I would remember nothing as soon as the topic was over. I spent most of my time inside myself, thinking and drowning in my thoughts. It seems that I've mastered the technique of the mind being separate from the body. I could think of anything, while my body could be doing the total opposite.  
  
It's given me time to reflect on the things that have happened after Hiei's moving on. I went on with my life, but I lost the will to actually pay attention. It was as if I was nothing but a machine that carried on human activities so easily that no one would notice that it wasn't human. And technically I wasn't human, but being that I stayed in the human world, had a human mother, and looked like a human (most of the time) I suppose I've gotten used to being called 'a human.'  
  
And I hate it...  
  
I've become typical, ordinary, common... no longer strong, powerful and with supernatural powers.  
  
I despise myself; what I've become...  
  
Weak.  
  
Frail.  
  
Vulnerable.  
  
Normal...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
I've woken now to find myself  
  
In the shadows of all I have created  
  
I'm longing to be lost in you  
  
(away from this place I have made)  
  
Won't you take me away from me  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
There was nothing left for me in the world. Mother had found her support in her new husband, and I had kept my legacy long enough in this world so that at least everyone in my high school would've heard my name at least once. I suppose that once mother found what she needed, someone else to love and cares for, she didn't need me anymore. So why did I stay so much longer after she and Kazuya were engaged and then married? If it wasn't for them, then who was it for?  
  
It was for Hiei.  
  
Despite his constant requests to go with him to the Makai, I had refused Hiei's proposal of returning to the demon world, saying that my mother needed me. So why did I stay after she had no longer required my existence in her life?  
  
Because I wanted to be with Hiei...  
  
It sounds odd doesn't it? Why would I refuse Hiei's request to return to the Makai with him to be with him? Simple. Being that when we stayed in the Ningenkai, Hiei and I were considered Reikai Tantei, allowing Hiei an excuse to draw away from Mukuro's little errands and to focus on the missions that Koenma gave us. In Makai, Mukuro would be able to call on Hiei as much as her heart desired, leaving me with nothing but an empty bed and cold sheets.  
  
Aren't I the deceptive one?  
  
Allowing Koenma's little assignments and missions to keep me in perpetual contact with the fire demon saved me time and confrontation with Mukuro. I had no desire to argue with her about who got to keep Hiei on what days. Only pathetic couples that divorced did that with their children, and I was not going to make Hiei something I dragged around every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.  
  
I created this... this world of lies, of my ideal human statistics. My youko nature caused me to become what I am, what I've been drowning in for over seventeen years. I kept up the façade long enough to set myself into an inescapable role of perfection and nothing I did would save me.  
  
Hiei...  
  
Take me away...  
  
Bring me to you...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Lost in a dying world I reach for something more  
  
I have grown so weary of this lie I live  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
I drew out of my realm to find that Yusuke had just given up on arguing with Koenma. I could've told him that there was no point in sparring verbally with the lord of the dead, but then again, Yusuke himself is as stubborn as a mule, and it's not like he would've listened to me anyway.  
  
I just compared Yusuke to a long-eared animal... I can just see the relation.  
  
"The Ningenkai is depending on you. Do try to return successful. This world is in complete chaos already and many people are being diagnosed with insanity for claiming that they've seen monsters in the park. What's worse, the demons have begun attacking. A nearby school burst into flames a few hours ago and the ferry girls are working as hard as possible to retain all the souls that were released from the human bodies." Koenma's usual blabbering of information and how important this mission was had become more desperate, as if we did fail, the world would be destroyed and sent into the rule of then demons.  
  
This world was dying, as was my enthusiasm for life.  
  
Trying to prevent demons from destroying the world...  
  
What a heroic way to die...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
I've woken now to find myself  
  
In the shadows of all I have created  
  
I'm longing to be lost in you...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
"KURAMA!!!!!"  
  
I saw it coming; the reflected light of the sloppily handled blade was easy to spot from the corner of my eye. But being that my attention was "focused" on four other demons attacking, the one from behind was of no concern to me.  
  
My body had adjusted to this type of fighting, random motions and pointless swinging of my Rose Whip that happened to hit its target every time. There was nothing to concentrate on, nothing to seriously "focus" on, and so I withdrew into myself again, trusting my body would handle most of the fight without my mind.  
  
I wonder if I called to Hiei from the Ningenkai, would he hear me from Reikai? Most likely not. But perhaps if I sent a telepathic message through him and infused some of my Reiki into it the faintest inkling of a message would reach him.  
  
In my concentration of relaying a message to Hiei, I had not felt the twinge of my body, nor had I seen the crimson liquid staining my white tunic.  
  
//Hiei...//  
  
//Hiei can you here me?//  
  
A faint spark pricked at my mind, until I saw a bright light. And in the center of the light it was dark, and the darkness was increasing, as if something was coming closer to me. I squinted my eyes as the light got closer, too scintillating for my human sight to bear.  
  
\\Kurama?\\  
  
The light called out to me, questioning as if disbelieving that I was the one that called out to it. And then I saw the face of the shining creature, crimson eyes, dark hair and a while starburst.  
  
//Hiei...!//  
  
\\How is this possible? Unless...\\  
  
\\No...\\  
  
Confusion filled his voice, until a revelation came to him, and then a feeling of dread.  
  
//What Hiei? What's going on?//  
  
\\Kurama you're...\\  
  
"KURAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
I've woken now to find myself  
  
I'm lost in shadows on my own  
  
I'm longing to be lost in you...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
I drew back into my physical form, feeling my spirit fade, and barely able to make out my surroundings. My instincts told me that I was lying on the ground and I felt the presence of people around me, but I wasn't sure what exactly was going on.  
  
"Oh god..." I heard Yusuke's voice whisper. "What am I supposed to tell Koenma? That we lost another member of our team?"  
  
And then I faded back into the darkness...  
  
Once again I awoke to strange surroundings, and I was still unable to comprehend what I had heard, and I still had no idea where I was.  
  
As I got up from my lying position on the ground I looked around at what seemed to be a forest of some sort. It was beautiful to say the least, but how did I get here? And where is this place?  
  
And what did Yusuke mean?  
  
//Lost another member? Did Kuwabara die?//  
  
\\Hn... Baka... You died!!\\  
  
I turned around to see Hiei standing in a small clearing in the forest. He smiled his awkward half smirk half smile at me and I walked over to him, talking in the information I had just received with each step.  
  
I died...  
  
I'm dead... and now it's all over.  
  
I extended my arms to embrace my fire demon. I would be with him forever in this land of our fantasies, in this place where not even death is a threat. There would be no more pain, and no more lying.  
  
No more lies...  
  
No more shadows...  
  
I've escaped...  
  
...And gotten away...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
Away from me...  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
~*OWARI (for real ^^ )*~  
  
~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:* :.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~.:*:.~  
  
A/N: Okay... I really hate the ending part to this, but it's what some people wanted: a generally happy ending where Kurama dies and joins Hiei in their own little heaven like place. This was totally rushed and I wish I could do better, but being me... I can't...  
  
Hope you enjoyed at least a little bit of it.  
  
Until my next fic!  
  
luvvies to you all,  
  
~*aznstarangel*~ 


End file.
